Familiarity: The Time It Takes To Let Go
I haven’t written a relationship type blog in yearsssss, considering the fact that I haven’t liked anyone in years. Writing is the only thing that I’ve noticed that allows me to let it leave my mind completely. So here I go (it’s 6,808 words, so don’t read it if you have something to do or a short attention span).
Cannes, France: I was in Europe, on my 2016 sabbatical (I swear I have to stop not only bringing sand to the beach, but also acquiring sand at the beach, like this story here lol). I was at a music conference and I was literally just there to decide which way I wanted to proceed with my music career, if I wanted to keep being an artist trying to push through all the noise, or just keep writing, publishing and try to land sync license deals. Of course I ended up meeting a guy; I’m not ugly, so I do…I attract guys 90% of the places I go (I’m not cocky by any means). On the last day that I attended the conference, (I left early because I had to dip out to head to Milan), he asked me if I wanted to hang out/get something to eat with him. I truly wanted to say no, I didn’t, because I figured that he has been a nice young man and I probably won’t see him again and I was hungry, so sure. I should, have f-in, said no. I can’t be nice with guys, but it’s just something about being out of the country that makes me nice. I guess I was on a sabbatical high, I had just come from Morocco, and so I was literally living life to the fullest. While we were heading to the restaurant, it started raining and I had on heels and needed to change into my flats. This young man politely held my umbrella for me instead of just watching me struggle as everyone usually does lol. Like no lie, I’m always struggling. I’m just someone who’s accustomed to rolling solo. Anywho, something as simple as that caught my attention. The restaurant he chose wasn’t my type of restaurant (especially considering that I like walking and eating, I barely sit down and eat when I’m traveling lol), but I didn’t say anything. It was way too overpriced for what it was offering, but once again, I didn’t know him and he had been a sweetheart up to this point. We’re talking, well mostly I am. It was weird to me because when I’m out, I don’t talk that much, it’s more of a 50/50 conversation if anything, and here I felt like it was a 70/30 conversation. I was literally running out of things to say and I didn’t want to make it awkward. Did I mention that I was in France and the trains were on strike? I had to watch the time to make sure I wouldn’t miss the last train back to Nice (it’s where I was staying), so we asked for the bill. So my meal was like 22 Euros for a burger and fries and had already knew I would never pay for something like this in the States, but I am an independent woman so I pulled my card out ready to pay lol. He said he’d get it, and I wanted to fight him on it like I usually do, but for some reason…I didn’t. Usually if I pay for myself the first time we go out, that means I never want to see you or hear from you again, unless you’re just a male friend.
I had so many thoughts going through my mind at that point lol. 1. Is this a date? I’m so confused because it’s starting to feel like one and I know I didn’t sign up for one. 2. Why can’t I bring myself to fight him on this? Do I want to hear from him again or something? 3. He didn’t annoy me, maybe I can stomach him. But like…I’m in France, sitting here with an American guy, this is weird and unnatural.
He told me he had family in Dallas, so I said that if he decides to come, we would hang out and I would cook for him. I felt he had nothing to do so I told him to walk with me to the train station, and he did. Something else happened that caught me by surprised, I swear I flirted while telling him bye. He may not have known, but I knew. I was like wtf?! This just must be the atmosphere of Southern France that has me trippin’ hard. On the train ride back from Cannes to Nice, I couldn’t stop thinking about him, especially on how he didn’t annoy me. That ish is hard to not do lol. Plus I started feeling bad because I was like he’s a nice young man; he’s not a piece of meat. Because I was like, “I don’t like chocolate but I totally could eat him up.” Lmao! I’m so horrible I know.
Milan, Italy: Next day I head off to Milan and I am living life! Do ya hear me?! It was like hotline bling on my phone from the guys I met in Morocco and Portugal (yes I spent time in Portugal, Spain, Morocco, then France) and even the guys from back home. I’m totally single and not interested in mingling. And at this point, I wasn’t even thinking about old boy from the day before, I had no time. He ended up texting me that night (well like 4am the next morning I should say) about how his show went. [Side Note: He’s a singer, that’s where I f-ed up, I don’t even do guys in the entertainment or athletic industry, HUGE no-no.] So obviously I texted back and said something along the lines of glad your show went well. He had a day before he had to catch his flight back home so he texted me a little bit. Nothing major, so I replied as a normal human would do lol.
Venice, Italy: The next day I’m off to Venice (didn’t I tell you I was living life and I loveeeee Italy). On the train ride to Venice he boards his flight and we’re texting up until then, he then texts me when he lands. I send him a picture of Venice, seeing that his first time out the country was France, I figured he’d appreciate the sight. Next day, I’m in Venice again, but that night I get on my first night train ever heading to Vienna (ugh huge mistake, it was like a hostel on wheels). Mind you I’m 7 hours ahead of this young man so being on the night train, I had someone to talk to (text) for a while.
Vienna, Austria: During my train ride, I just wanted to end all confusion. I asked him what he wanted. I didn’t want to assume that he called himself liking me. Basically he liked what he saw thus far and wanted to see where it could go, nothing serious, just chilling and maybe a relationship. I informed him that I was interested because he didn’t annoy me and I wouldn’t mind to get to know him more to see if I liked him. I felt we were on the same page because I’m not looking for marriage and kids, and don’t feel I ever will be looking for that. So now we’re playing the 21 questions game, more like 50 questions because I’m asking him all this ish. Like I’m 3 years in being single and I love it, I don’t want to waste my time. He answers them all. A few of his answers I didn’t care for, but the questions that really mattered to me the most, the answers were fine.
At the same time, I told him who I was as a person. I always tell guys up front: 1. I don’t want marriage or kids, dating/relationships are great, but if you’re looking for something else, let me know and I can exit stage left. 2. I’m mean, like I’m really mean, I cut people with my words…I cut dudes ball sacks off and will completely f up their pride/ego. [Foreshadow: No one seems to believe me until it’s too late.]
I told my dad about him and how I could see myself liking him, but I’m at the point where I don’t want to waste time, and that I would be seeking his counsel lol. Like for real, for these past 3 years I’ve been extremely busy trying to make sure my 30’s are solid. But at the same time I started complaining to my big sis about how I feel he just talks about his profession, his music, his fans…I genuinely just wanted to know more about him. I’m the type of chick who doesn’t care about all of that, because at the end of the day, you’re not my husband and your money isn’t my money, so what the hell lol.
Budapest, Hungary: Everything was cool, we were getting to know each other; texting on a hundred. I don’t talk on the phone much when I’m out and about when I’m traveling. I like to take in all the sights. I felt I was starting to know more about him as a person.
Bratislava, Slovakia: Same ol same ol; still getting to know one another.
Warsaw, Poland: Getting to know each other some more. Did I mentioned he went through my internet footprint to try to get to know me some more? I don’t understand why he couldn’t have just asked lol. Things from my site, to my blog, to my social media sites…it was interesting lol. I didn’t do the same for him because his sites are all about his music. I never felt you could genuinely get to know him on those, but I just post whatever I feel on mines. PR would hate me…I just like being me; sassy mouth and all lol.
Prague, Czech Republic: We skyped for the first time. I actually thought that maybe if we skyped, I would see that I wasn’t on the road to actually liking him, but just liked having someone to text to fill out my time with. So we skyped, it was cool. I felt I got to know way more about him. Texting is okay but that response time drags conversations out that could be done in like 10 minutes if you all were talking lol. Once again, I felt like I was talking way more, conversation on 70/30 again, but I was like whatever, maybe he’s still trying to get to know me, his text convos are legit, so whatevz. He’s from the hood, Southside Chicago to be exact…not my type of guy. I don’t date guys from the hood; our mental seems not to match up. He told me a little bit of his story and I was slightly in awe because the guy I was looking at…you’d never guess. I liked who he’d become…well I thought I did, so I didn’t mind. That’s where I f-ed up again, I can’t be breaking rules like that. Did I mention that his father wasn’t prevalent in his life? That’s my 3rd rule. I literally have my worst relationships with guys who are from the hood and whose father wasn’t always around. I’m a chick from the suburbs who’s a daddy’s girl…opposites don’t, or at least don’t do a good job at attracting. Plus I don’t like dudes that are in the spotlight because I don’t have time to deal with the ratchetness of those females. I’ve been there and hated it. So I’ve broken my 3 most important rules at this moment. But he didn’t give me a reason not to trust him. It’s the entire sabbatical atmosphere at this point because I even told this young man that if I would have met you in the States…this wouldn’t have happened. I don’t even have the time to think sometimes, let along converse like this with another individual. I’m just so honest like that. BUT…something said keep going; he hasn’t done anything thus far to give you a reason not to continue. All in all, I actual liked skyping him. I started to like him even more at that point.
Berlin, Germany: Back when I was in Vienna he had asked for a photo of me, like a selfie. I’m the chick who doesn’t take selfies; don’t even know where to begin to look directly in the front camera. So I know how guys are and I said I’d send him a selfie every week. It was time for me to send him a selfie again, and I did no problem. What was funny to me was he was always full of compliments. I don’t take compliments too well, like I don’t know what to say after them. I just don’t lol. But I told myself that I would be a better person and try to return them. I learned over the years that guys like compliments as well. See, I was actually trying with this guy. Well at least I thought lol. Anyway…still getting to know each other, still liked his presence, even if I was half way across the world lol.
The Honeymoon Stage
Hamburg, Germany: I liked him. I knew I did. There was no denying it. So I told him. Idk if he believed me or not, but he seemed like he did. I didn’t want to stop talking to him, even when I knew there was nothing else to talk about for the day, or I had to go sleep or he had things to do. I’m a big advocate for long distance relationships so I was trying to figure out when and where we’d see each other again, but I didn’t entertain the conversation because I still had about 3 weeks to go before I even returned home. Mind you we weren’t in a relationship, still in the talking phase. We still had some much to learn about one another, but I felt I was learning him so fast. We talked every day all day. I felt like I knew him for longer than I actually did. It was kind of dope. Did I mention that I made him in a Screwed & Chopped mix? So middle school I know, but I had to send it via Dropbox, no physical disc lol.
Munich, Germany: Even though it was creepy, I actually went ahead and listened to his album. Why was it creepy? Because it was like he was there but wasn’t lol. But it was cool because I feel you get to learn about people listening to their music as well. He had a lot of love songs on there. I had recently also learned more in depth about his past relationships (yes I ask those questions). They were horrible, well at least the way I looked at it. I felt that my worst relationship was still better than his best, but I wasn’t going to tell him that. I could tell he had a good heart and if we did get together, I told myself I wouldn’t do him like those girls or even consider cheating on him like they did. He’s just not the type of guy you’d do that to. [Place a bookmark here for later]. And this is when I remembered his birthday was coming soon, so I told myself that I would buy little souvenirs in each country I visit from this point to put in a gift bag. I’m a horrible gift giver, so I’d figure this would be a dope idea, considering he hadn’t been to these places as well. Even though I feel that I’m mean…I was actually trying to be nice lol.
Frankfurt, Germany: The text convo that I remember the most is when we spoke about what we do/don’t like. I remember him saying two things that I saw would be difficult for me. 1. Letting him be the man and 2. Compromising. I have a hard time not trying to take the pants from a man. I’m so used to being independent and I’m just not going to trust a man to make decisions for us. Seeing that I mentioned I don’t want to get married, I don’t see myself being that comfortable with any man. And compromising…I’ve never had to. I’ve always gotten my way, and once again…I feel that compromising is that marriage stuff that I’m not trying to be a part of. I told him that if he was worth it, I would compromise on some things…but I never promised that I would lol.
Brussels, Belgium: I couldn’t stop thinking about him. Any extra room that I had in my mind was clouded by thoughts of him. I’m a sucker for good conversation. Promise you that he was even in my dreams (well to be fair, the last person that I talk to before I go to sleep usually ends up in my dreams lol). But something happened that I didn’t expect…I got mad at him. When someone/something pisses me off, I need time to get my mental together. I had recently been pissed off by some events that occurred in Brussels, so I told him that I would hit him back after I got my mental together. So I did, but after I did that, I felt that the convo wasn’t the same. I can’t remember who stopped replying, but it didn’t too much matter because I needed to go to bed and he had a studio session to go to anyway. The next morning I go out and do my thing in Brussels again. I knew he was still sleep (time difference) so whatever. I get back to my room after my day was done and we started texting. He sent me a picture of him out by the pool, so I was like that’s good that the weather cleared up from the day before. He’s like idk, I’m not there. I was like where are you? He had caught a flight to L.A. I was feeling some type of way. Then I was just mad the more I thought about it. He wasn’t my guy, so I felt well, maybe I shouldn’t say anything. I really didn’t want to talk to him anymore because I didn’t get why he wouldn’t had told me that he was catching a flight. I start becoming a worry bird when I like someone or even care about someone just as friends. I like to know that they arrived and returned safely. That’s just how I am. He didn’t feel that he needed to tell me since we weren’t really talking the day before; he said he knew I had a “weird” day and I probably didn’t want to talk, something along those lines. So I stopped talking to him for the rest of the day. Even though my good homie said I shouldn’t express my concerns because it could push him anyway, I did anyway. Listen, I don’t give a damn about pushing a guy away. Do you know how many guys there are in this world? If I have something to say, I’m going to say it…I learned that when I was 14 with this one guy. Long story and this story is already long enough (approx. 3,200 words in). At first he thought I thought he was with another chick. I literally lmao-ed. I don’t give 2 shits about other chicks. So I proceeded to tell him that I guess I cared more than I thought and I just like to know that he’s safe, ya know. At that point I knew I cared about him…once again…no denying.
Another thing he learned, was that I wasn’t as girly, or a romantic. I always laugh when guys think a past relationship made me “hard” and “unromantic”…no…it’s just who I am, but that wasn’t who he was. I think we both kept looking past our dissimilar ways. Like he was such a hard worker and really after everything he wants to the core, and I never knew someone could surpass me on working hard. The older I get the clearer the picture on life is to me and I like to enjoy it. I’m not in a rush; what God has for me will be for me. Everyone’s path isn’t the same and I appreciate that. I also learned that one day he eventually wanted to get married and have kids. The total opposite of me so I was just storing it in the back of my mind that if we did get in a relationship, when would I know to leave? That’s not the life that I want lol. But that ish didn’t matter, who cares about that in the beginning, because who’s to say you’ll even make it that far to even have to worry about that lol!
Zurich: We had some dope convos here. But all in all I was ready to get back to the States to be on everyone’s time again, or at least close to it lol. I still had 2 more weeks to go before my sabbatical ended.
Rhode Island – Connecticut: I started to notice to something…we still weren’t talking on the phone. But I didn’t bring it up, I had just gotten back in North America so I didn’t say too much; I didn’t express interest in talking to him like that. I also realize that I got to talk to him more when I was on European time. In Europe, by the time he wakes up, I’m almost done with my day which is perfect for me to devote time to my phone. And by the time it’s time for me to go to sleep, he still has his whole night to finish working on whatever he’s working on. He still has most of his day seeing that it’s only early to mid-afternoon for him.
New Hampshire – Vermont: We skyped and it made it worse. I liked him a whole lot at this point. If I could have gotten a refund on my Air Bnbs and attraction tickets, I probably would have flown out to see him and came back. Ain’t no telling lol.
Ontario, Quebec, Maine: Nothing too out of the norm. His nephews and nieces had arrived in town. I swear he turned into a single dad lol. It was hella weird, I didn’t get to talk to him as much but he still made time. Dudes can’t multitask as well as females can, so I was like whatevz. The only thing I started to notice was how he would say things like “kidnap me” and “you’re mine”. Like…I never told him but it kind of rubbed me the wrong way…even if he was just playing. I don’t want anyone to kidnap me for the simple fact that I’m not an object and I don’t belong to anyone. I started thinking too deep into it for the simple fact like…I know there are females out there who think that’s cute and it’s not. And the whole “you’re mine” thing…once again I belong to no one. Especially considering that we were just “talking”. Even if we were in a relationship…I still belong to myself. I’m not married, he’s not mine and I’m not his. I’m the type of chick that you can’t have for life. I won’t even play like I’m “wifey” with you. I wouldn’t do wife things unless I’m your wife…which is a life I don’t want. I will tell a guy “no” in a heartbeat. Whatever I give to a guy, it’s because it’s out of the kindness of my being…nothing else. I don’t have to give a guy anything. But…I ended up telling him that he couldn’t kidnap me and he couldn’t have me forever. It just wouldn’t be possible. Then he started talking about stuff that didn’t make sense, considering the fact that it was null and void and we would never live in the same city. Why? Because I don’t want to live in any of the ones he wants to live in and vice versa. Null and void. Throughout all of this, I bought a ticket to see him around his birthday. I promise you I never fly out first, but I didn’t care anymore, I wanted to have a solid date on when I would see him again, plus I got a good deal on the flights.
Welcome Back To the Real World
Dallas, TX: So I’m back. Crazy thing is as soon as I touched down, that Dallas Black Lives Matter protest stuff popped off. It felt so good being back in my bed though…in my house. The next morning (Friday) I woke up and remember telling him that I look forward to talking to him every day. And I meant it. I went to work and everything was cool. Saturday was kind of weird for me. Around like 2pm we’d stop texting. He said he was chillin’ that day so I figured maybe he found something to do. The conversation was a little odd to me and very short. I left it alone and texted him that night, and I got no reply. That wasn’t like him so I tried not to think too much of it. Sunday, work was hella busy. I hardly looked at my phone if any. I finally looked and saw that he’d texted, called and hit me on Facebook. I replied to his text and his message on Facebook; still nothing. Never understood why he had never fixed his phone because he told me all of my messages wouldn’t come through. We had that conversation plenty of times. I’m not in anyone’s pocket book so I didn’t say anything. And if it was a lie…I still didn’t care. Idk, I just didn’t care, it wasn’t that crucial to me. (Monday) what was crucial when he asked me what was up with me? What’s up with me? I responded to everything and never got a reply. At that point I felt like he was doing the most and f-in with my time. The day was weird, we didn’t talk much. Tuesday came (I always think clearest when I first wake up) and I had to say something. He then told me that he has a lot of fans that hit him on Facebook and if I would have looked, I would have seen that he hadn’t even read it. Why in the hell would you message me and not plan on reading it? And him and these damn fans. I remember him telling me that he would always reply to me whenever. Even, if he was working, he would eventually get back to me that day. I told him I was going to screenshot that because that’s what they all say. So I was confused on what his fans had to do with me? Then he informed me that I should be understanding because his phone was in his couch cushions because one of the kids put it there and he didn’t know. Breh…I don’t have to understand anything. That’s why I don’t do dudes with kids anyway, because I don’t want and shouldn’t have to understand anything. Anyway, he said some more stuff and I told him that I wasn’t going to say anything else because I see that his mouth is reckless. He then told me that he’s not going to just let me talk to him any kind of way. I. Stepped. Back. So. Hard! I wanted to pop off like I usually do, but I said…this young man doesn’t know that I’m from Texas…I’m a lady. I’m going to let his Chicago ways make it today. I had so much ish to do from just coming back from a 2 month sabbatical, that I didn’t have the time or energy to take it there.
I Started Feeling Uneasy
I still couldn’t believe he thought it was okay to say what he said. He had a show to do the upcoming weekend so I didn’t want to be confrontational. I wanted him to focus. Wednesday I knew I still wasn’t my normal self; I was very short with him. Thursday morning I woke up and couldn’t do it. I was like who does he think he is talking to me that way. I told him I was done; basically bye. He told me that I must be used to weak dudes but he wanted to communicate and work out whatever it was. I told him no it’s not that, I just try to watch my tongue so I didn’t understand why he couldn’t do the same. You can take the person out the hood, but their environmental tendencies are still there. This is when I started to think…he’s not as nice as I thought he was, and why did all of those females in the past leave…did they hear his mouth and say no way lol. But they’re from Chicago too, so they must be used to it, so no…that couldn’t be it. Friday was cool, back to normal I guess. Saturday I knew he was real busy. Sunday he was super busy. But Monday rolled along. I knew that this wasn’t going to be the same. Our conversation was going downhill; we probably could no longer keep each other’s attention. I knew he wasn’t keeping mines. All I ask for out of a guy is good conversation. But I change every time I come back to the States. I know I do, I’m a different person and my exes have agreed. All that extra space I had in my mind was now filled with work, actions to make these goals a reality, family, friends and me time lol. It’s so different. It’s so easy and effortless for me to be single in America. I have so much to do that being with someone else doesn’t even cross my mind…what is being alone, what is lonely? What does that mean because I don’t know? We started getting into a routine of texting from 8am-11am asking each other the same questions, talking about the same things. I stepped back and said…I see how females could cheat on him and he not know. If in my head I know that from 8am-11am we’re going to text…I can spend the whole day doing whatever I want with whomever I choose. I got bored…and I get bored quick. I’ve broken it off with guys just off of bad conversation and me getting bored. Great guys…but I need more ya know. I’m like I bought all these souvenirs and a plane ticket…but if I’m not happy with the situation…why move it into a relationship? Wednesday morning I texted him and said some slick shit like, “Let me finish this conversation for you.” And I literally wrote our whole conversation out and how it was going to go. He told me that he was actually going to ask for my address because he saw something he thought I would have liked and wanted to mail it to me. Did I feel bad? Nope. Why not? Because I didn’t want anything from him but for us to communicate like we did when I was in Europe. The morning before, I told him that I wanted to start talking on the phone. That whole day he didn’t call and Wednesday he didn’t call. It became pointless. Plus, he doesn’t know my style lol. I didn’t want anything. I genuinely just didn’t want anything. I wanted him to keep his money.
Ice Queen
That day, Wednesday afternoon, I drafted a ruthless, burn bridging text to let him know that I was no longer interested. Honestly, I didn’t want to hold his hand. After I realized that yes he’d been in a long distance relationship, but only after the female had moved, I knew it would be a challenge. See starting something long distance, versus having something local turn into long distance…that’s two totally completely different things. I’m 25 and I stopped holding guys hands at 21. It started to click why simple things, or anything I didn’t like, he didn’t get. He didn’t know how it was supposed to go. I’m a lover of long distance relationships; I don’t date, let along talk to guys in my city. But I said I wasn’t going to send the text unless if I woke up Thursday and still felt some type of way. I knew it was cruel and very Ice Queen of me, which is what people call me and I don’t bat an eye. So I woke up and sent it. He basically replied telling me that I never was interested and it was all a game to me, one day I was there and the next I wasn’t, I’m cute but the way I treat people is fucked up, he has enough to deal with, my arguments are petty and he’s done trying. I honestly didn’t expect him to go off as much as he did, considering the fact that we were only talking. I was kind of shocked, but I brushed it off when he said my arguments were petty. Anytime I have something to bring up…it’s never petty, it’s how I feel. I was low key kind of hurt when he said I was never interested and it was all a game to me. But I’m a big girl, I deserved it after basically saying I was no longer interested in him but I still wanted to support his future music endeavors. He was basically like fuck me and the horse I road in on. I tend to purposely burn bridges with certain people so neither party thinks about returning. Every time I’ve never burned that bridge…it may be some years later…but we end up back where we started. I’m not young like I used to be, I can’t be going in circles with people I’ve once liked. But I told my dad about it and he basically said I could have been nicer.
But I Am a Child of God…If You Didn’t Know
It’s now Friday, only 2 weeks since I’d been back in America. I wanted to apologize on some positive vibes type ish. No I wasn’t trying to get back to how we were; that’s childish and games aren’t needed. I figured he’d block my Texas numbers he’d had…so I hit him on my Cali phone, I knew he’d never seen the number. I was doing the most, I know. I didn’t expect him to text back, I honestly didn’t. But what happened next…I promise you I was coming for his head after that.
1. He said that he was going to help me but now he’s not, including the people he knew that could help as well. 2. He gave me the benefit of the doubt that I would change. 3. He’s never going to lose. 4. For someone to say they don’t like texting, I didn’t call to apologize; basically showing my true colors.
So I called to apologize, and I left a voicemail because I knew he wasn’t going to pick up for me. I texted him and let him know that I never asked, nor needed his help. And why did he think I was coming for him, why would he think I wanted him to lose? He replied and told me that he didn’t owe me any explanation, he had a show to get ready for, and I could keep burning bridges Satan.
I. Died. And. Blocked. I couldn’t believe he called me Satan. I literally couldn’t stop laughing. No matter what has happened, no guy has ever called me out of my name and vice versa; so when one does, you don’t reply because that is not your name and you know who you really are. But it seemed kind of girly to me. It was funny because I didn’t know he was so holy, if only you could have seen our text thread…holy isn’t a word I would have used to describe it lol. I was still thrown off by how he really saw me though. I never asked, wanted or needed his help, his connections or whatever. We’re on two different paths and I don’t get why he couldn’t see that. I had already told him that I didn’t want his life. But the fact that he thought my success would depend on him…flabbergasted. Only God determines my future…not one human being. If we both kept giving each other the benefit of the doubt…why couldn’t he have been the man to lead and break it off? I did it, didn’t do it as nicely as I should had, but why have all of these words then? Why would he think I wanted him to lose? Why did he feel that since I was exiting the picture…that I would think I’m so superior, that without me…he would lose? We weren’t even in a relationship?! And even though I was the one that wanted him to call me…how did it get to me showing my true colors because I didn’t call him? What true colors? I told him who I was and how I was in the beginning. The confusion was laughable. And that’s something I know I didn’t need in my life. But all it took was one word. When he called me Satan…I knew I didn’t give two shits about that young man.
Closure and Clarity
So if I didn’t care…why am I over 6,000 words? Because I have to let go of something, I have to see with clear eyes and no spite in my heart. Ya’ll know how I am with relationship blogs.
Hence: https://blog.cnichole.com/sometimes-i-trip-on-how-happy-we-could-of-been and https://blog.cnichole.com/cold-hearted
I literally cooked up so many ideas in a 2 day period that would yield results to show this young man that I hadn’t, don’t and won’t need him and/or his “connections”, since he is not the god that he thinks he is. Only God is God. I am letting my spitefulness go, and doing everything that I plan to do to better me and my future; not to be at strife with him, especially since he knows nothing about it lol. Like come on now…I’m better than that. And with a man at that…what kinds of women actually do that? That’s insane. All in all, what did I learn? 1. I already knew this but familiarity sucks. That’s the worst part of letting anything go that you got used to. But when you know it isn’t right, you have to be a grown up and leave before you get in too deep: https://blog.cnichole.com/getting-in-too-deep. I knew I was going to look at my phone and realize that it would be no more him; that I wouldn’t see his name or hear his ringer anymore. It’s never the feelings that have me…it’s always that damn familiarity. 2. Ask extensive questions to make sure the person has started a relationship long distance, not just midway. Because I’m not about to be teaching, I’m too old, and I want to learn something sometime too dammit! Lol. 3. It’s not okay, but I learned why some people cheat. Shit, sometimes it’s easier to keep going and deal with the consequences of cheating later if you would of known what you would be getting yourself into by cutting your losses before it even got to that, even if “that” is just a passing thought. Like I think I should have just entertained the thought, or sat bored out of my f-in mind, if I would have known the type of backlash I would have received. I told him I would never cheat, but that ish got me to thinking…am I sure I wouldn’t have? Lol! Ok, no, let me stop…I wouldn’t have. Last but not least…4. Chicago dudes aren’t for me. My mom is with this guy from Gary (30 minutes away) and he loses his damn mind just like this too. You see the way my personality is set up…I can’t breh…I just can’t. I’m too crazy for this. I would have tried to karate chop kick him in his throat and he probably would have put his hands on me or shoved/pushed me too hard and shit would have went all downhill from there. I always say that I never would put my hands on a man, I respect him too much. But lawd, I never heard a mouth like that one before.