Baby, been thinking about cha lately

I won’t give you no maybe

So tell me what you need

What’s it gonna be

It’s a yes from me

I know, things do come and go

But this is something I know for sho

I’m not with the games

That is for the lames

This is the real thang

No side things yeah (yeah)

No pettiness swear (swear)

No subtweets whoa (whoa)

Feelings for you open never closed

As soon as I heard this track I knew exactly what I wanted to write about and how I wanted to deliver it. During my 25th year of living (2015-2016) I entered my mid-life crisis…stop laughing lol. My mid-life crisis was me being attracted to guys who grew up in the hood. Now ya’ll know I ride for my suburban guys heavy! 😉 Anywho, I did not take my mid-life crisis into 26, but I thank the 3 guys that gave me something to write about. So where are those 3 guys now? Don’t know and don’t care. For me personally, opposites don’t attract, never did and never will for me. My mid-life crisis just made me think it could possibly happen. But what the heck! I got a great song out of it 😛

I don’t know, how it got to this

A disagreement, went to yelling

Guess your ego got damaged

And you started to panic

You became frantic

Situation became volcanic

You…are so confident that it’s a shame

You don’t even turn around when I call your name

You…leave me for days at a time

Then come back like everything’s just fine

But I know that I don’t deserve this

I’m letting my worth diminish

Don’t make me have to put you in your place let’s not do it today

Don’t make me have to step in your space you won’t wanna hear what I gotta say

Cause I got things on ya that they don’t know

Friends turn to enemies keep them close

See I’m tryna be civil about this

See I’m tryna be mature not childish

The only thing I heard was, “I take care of my kids!” All I could think was, “It’s too early for this. Hey man, I’m trying to sleep.” Because of Daylight’s Saving and how dark it is in the morning, I figured it was earlier than 6:45am on a weekday. Regardless, it was too early for their shenanigans. I looked out of my window (for some reason I have a “kitchen window” by my bed that faces the front of the house) to try and see if I could see who was yelling. I couldn’t so I plopped back down. But while I was getting settled back in, I couldn’t help but to recall how reminiscent that was of my own life, how far I’ve become and how quickly I’d forgotten. My own mother and father used to argue constantly. I began to realize how sad it was that as a child, I was complacent and used to arguments; so much so that I vowed to not have arguments in my own relationships. That actually works and still is the case. The only argument I had was about not wanting to argue. My ex-fiancé felt that if I didn’t argue with him, then that meant I didn’t care about him. How ass backwards is that? I always felt my parents were never supposed to be together, they weren’t compatible, they didn’t think alike. How can you raise kids if there are two different parenting styles in the household? That led to a lot of “fake separations” until they finally divorced when I was 11. That made me happy to know that this time they would actually finally move on…even though they still tried to make it work sometimes. I’m happy to say that my dad is happily married and my mom (even though she got married and divorced again) is with a steady manfriend. After a certain age I just refuse to say boyfriend. As I’ve completely digressed, this blog was supposed to be about the fact that growing up, I often heard my dad yell to my mom, “I’m not like these other dudes out here. I take care of my kids!” When I heard the man outside say that, all I could think of how it used to be with us, and how I hoped that that man and his child’s mother would eventually be able to positively co-parent without the extra. It took years for my parents to become that way. It actually wasn’t until the year after I graduated college that I could say that they actually got there with my younger siblings. I just began to think of all the kids that are raised between 2 households, all the arguments and adult situations they hear/see on the daily and how some of these kids will grow up thinking it is okay when it’s not. I then began to think about how subconsciously it affected me and it took me just now to realize it. Yes, I don’t want to birth kids because I don’t want to feel the pain. Child bearing doesn’t look fun at all! But I also don’t care to get married. Earlier this year I changed my mind and thought I did. I said you know what, two is better than one and you all can progress faster together, yada yada yada. Sike! I tried dealing with someone and I became to realize that the older I get, the more I like being alone. Actually the older I get the more I prefer to be alone. I thought I would get older and become more emotional like my dad…but it seems like my patience for romantic relationships with others grow thinner and thinner. I get happier and happier being alone, with just me. Then I thought about how I would never have to hear, “I take care of my kids!” I want to adopt kids. I’m literally choosing to be a single parent. I’ve already spoke to my mom about being my nanny and my dad said he’ll help as well. I want one of my kids to be a boy and in no way, shape or form am I a man, not going to try to be and someone will need to teach him how to shave. I’m blessed to have positive male role models all around me. Sure, people are going to say, “But he needs a father.” So do millions of other kids who fathers have walked out of their lives, but that’s not the case here so that argument is null and void. I’m so into the no drama thing that I was taken aback by hearing people argue outside. You know that’s that ghetto shit where someone calls the police and they come get statements from the parents and kid. Been there, done that, not having it. I’m not down with my kids experiencing early morning disturbances, or any disturbances at that. So, all in all…be careful with whom you choose to lie; the dysfunction can become yours at any time.